How to live a life of quiet desperation:

1  Read the Daily Mail.

2  Believe that articles in the DM which say all your problems are caused by the disabled/unemployed/gangs/asylum seekers are factual and unbiased.

3  Think that Jeremy Kyle has something important to say about British society and that is why they make the programme.

4  Know the the latest gossip column inches’ content  but not know anything about your neighbours who are 4 doors away.

5  Think that if you miss your train connection that it is the worst thing in the world.

6  Enjoy reading online Facebook, forum or Twitter battles, especially if they use CAP LOCK.

7  Avoid volunteering for anything.

8  Complain about the weather, no matter what kind it is.

9  Complain that things were harder when you were young.

10 or conversely complain that things were better when you were younger.

11  Avoid talking to people on public transport or in shops.

12  Get irate when someone “just doesn’t get it”, whatever “it” is.

13  Play bingo, or online poker or scratch cards or the lotto and hinge your happiness on the result.

14  Blame your financial problems on bankers, politicians, employers etc while overlooking all your gadgets and foreign holiday photographs.

15  Drink or do drugs until you alter your state/mood.

16  Lust after that film/TV/pop star and compare all the real people you know unfavourably with them.

17  Avoid reading something hard.

18 Avoid working towards a goal that would improve your life.

19 Blame your parents, even though you left their home years ago.

20  Wear the latest fashion, no matter what a pig in a poke you resemble.