The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says: “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador .” “Sod that” says Mick: “have you seen how many of their owners go blind”

I’ve just had a letter back from Screwfix. they said they regretted to inform me that they’re not actually a dating agency.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid……. then I was petrified.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said: “I would like to come back as a cow”.
I said: “You’re obviously not listening”.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it’s been eaten. It’s called wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: “I love you”.
She said; “Is that you or the beer talking?”
I replied: “It’s me,  talking to the beer”.

They’ve opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing but I have my suspicions something weird is going on. Yesterday I saw
20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.

I’ve been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for
the show……

I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it

A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators. Just a little house warming present.

I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered
again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!!!

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time…..

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast ‘The Flintstones’. A spokesman for
the channel said….’A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.’

I start a new job in Seoul next week.. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to
myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

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